Java, the comments you wrote below in an article little while back REALLY helped today. It's like you wrote it for me for today a 1 1/2 year ago. Sort of 'future speak'. Thank you for your insights, because I came across some pictures of my x in Facebook. They were under a different profile. It was kind of hard to see her in the pictures, because they were of a more personal nature. It appears she might be seeing someone else. We had been broken up for a few months, but something about the pictures unearthed some old feelings and I was beginning to see the relationship through 'rose colored glasses'. I was the one who broke up the relationship. The relationship was filled with drama and was an emotional roller-coaster ride. However, the power of the pictures got me thinking again about her. This post really helped to remind me to see the relationship for what it was in a more realistic light and felt like it was written almost directly for me. Thank you and God blesss you.
Here is the article I was referring to:
Dear CP30,
Hmm. I was struck when I read your post how your relationship had all the drama of a soap opera with it's constant highs and lows. . . . Almost manic-depressive in it's drama, explosions, make-ups, etc.
Are you a person that craves those kind of emotional roller-type relationships? You see, I don't know enough about you to know if you're one who likes to live life on the edge with dramatic upswings and downswings, uncertainty, instability, insecurity, emotional trauma, outbursts, public displays, and such. I have to think so, particularly with hitting him in the face in public . . . .
Some people, mainly because of some sort of dysfunctionalities in their childhoods, think that these type of relationships are normal because that's perhaps what they experienced in their families of origin. Maybe one of their parents was an alcoholic, maybe a drug abuser, maybe suffered from mental illness . . . whatever it was that caused the home environment to be volatile and unstable.
Such a person doesn't know what a healthy relationship looks like and attracts people to him- or herself that will perpetuate what they had in their family of origin.
Maybe it's not this at all. . . . Really, it's hard to know. By your own admission you say you had a long, dramatic relationship.
The "dramatic" part is never good for relationships because that shows lack of conflict resolution between the parties and ability to fight fair.
You ask, perhaps rhetorically, "What was he thinking?" I ask, not rhetorically, "What are you thinking?"
Dear CP30, it doesn't matter one wit what he's thinking. What disturbs me most is what you're thinking . . . . Why you're toying with fire . . . . Why you want to be burned yet again . . . . Why you haven't put this all permanently behind you. You haven't moved on at all nor have you healed. This is quite disturbing because you're still letting yourself be emotionally connected to a person who has hurt you tremendously and repeatedly.
You're looking back through rose-colored lenses. You haven't learned from your past mistakes with him and you're caught back up in the crazy cycle with him. Here he is - now having you wondering what he's up to.
This man has taken up most of your 20's and now into your early 30's. It seems like you're going to be letting him take up your 30's, if you continue in this vein, and maybe on into your 40's, and then your 50's and on and on. . . .
You may have moved across country, but you haven't moved on emotionally and mentally from him.
You're not going to like this because you like to toy with the, "What if's," the, "Why's," and such that are so futile and do nothing but waste more weeks, months, and years of your life, but here's what to do:
1. Immediately delete him (whatever the Facebook protocol is - I'm not familiar with it) and block him.
2. Go to really good therapy to work through this need of your's for drama in your relationships with men. Also, work on becoming stable and secure which is healthy as compared to a rollercoaster type dating life. Furthermore, work on getting over this man.
3. Forgive him for all the hurt he has ever caused you. That will help to release his hold over you. Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. It is not a one-time event but is done everytime anger rears it's ugly head. Forgiveness is healing and makes you free. Dr. RT Kendall has a great work, Total Forgiveness, that you may find helpful.
4. Grieve the loss of your relationship with this man. The five stages of grief are: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Your therapist can help you work through the grief process. It sounds like you've never properly grieved.
5. Refuse to think about him and when he enters your thoughts, direct your thoughts elsewhere in a purposeful way whether through calling a friend, watching TV, reading a book, taking a walk, cooking, listening to music, etc.
This man still has such power over you, even after all this time, that you were unable to do your expense report or unpack your bags. Realize it doesn't matter why he requested you as a friend on Facebook. What matters is what you do about it and you've already opened Pandora's Box by accepting his friend request apparently and going after this fruitless endeavor.
Did you not learn anything from the time you were with him? Are you wanting more heartbreak? Again, don't toy with fire. You will be burned. Look how much of your time this man has taken up again of your life just by adding you to Facebook.
Prudency called for you not to even think about anything other than declining his request and blocking him. Why are you seeking more pain (rhetorical)? This isn't healthy at all on your part.
How can another man ever have an emotionally healthy relationship with you when you're still so engaged with throughts of another man?
You and this man are co-dependent. You feed off of each other in an unhealthy way. A book that you may find helpful is by Dr.'s Robert Helmfelt, Frank Minirth, and Paul Meier, Love is a Choice: Breaking the Cycle of Addictive Relationships.
Another book you may wish to look into is by Dr.'s Henry Cloud and John Townsend, Bourndaries (their signature work) or Boundaries in Dating. You do not have proper boundaries established with this man and he has no hesitation about violating proper boundaries, otherwise he would not have done what he has.
This is all quite unhealthy. I know this all may sound very harsh to you, but please, I do not mean it to be. I'm distressed that you've opened yourself up yet again to all the heartache, etc. that will only cause you continued distress and heartbreak and keep you from the very thing you'd like with an emotionally healthy man. I'm grieved that you haven't learned from your former experiencesandhave made yet anotherpoor choice again with this man.
Before you can begin that kind of relationship with another man who is emotionally healthy, you must be healthy yourself. You've shown me you're not because someone involved in the kind of drama you and he had would not be opening themselves up yet again to that roller-coaster merry-go-round.
Please, stop, rethink, close, block, and find a really good, licensed, professional therapist to work on all these things that have kept you from moving on. You see, you've been there, done that, several times, and you're back again for more. That tells me you haven't learned from your mistakes with him and are about to repeat them again.
Don't go there. You will have such pain and unhappiness. Seek to live a life of stability, security, and responsibility (in particular in relationships). Be more flat-lined instead of craving those roller coaster highs and lows that leave people devastated. That's not a healthy lifestyle. Make prudent and wise choices. You can do it but you'll need outside help to do so as you don't seem able to do it on your own in relation to making good choices for yourself that will not cause you further harm and / or unrest.
JavaJava5
- August 14th, 2008, 05:09 am
