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40 Something Will someone please tell those kids in the thirty somethings group to stop partying and to please quiet down? Thank you! :P

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Mountaintrker wrote :
The answer for me is "yes" I do feel like a failed. My marriage didn't end for easy reasons like infidelity or whatever. Just the more slow and painful growing apart as people get older. I never realized that my ex didn't "get" me. Those last bitter discussions indicated to me that I had been married to someone for 15 years who didn't really know who I was at all. So, I feel like a failure because I couldn't turn myself into the person my ex seemed to need. It's hard for me to imagine that anyone who loses such a long term relationship (for me 15 marriage + 4-5 as partner before that) could come away without feeling like they had screwed up. It should have been forever.

. I've dabbled in internet dating now that I am divorced by trying to make my profiles really reflect who I think I am. So far it hasn't led to any great matches or "success" (not sure how to define that!), but I'd hate to so mislead someone again. I am an active person who is happiest when "doing" not sitting around "waiting" while my partner is out doing his thing. I'm never going to be someone cheering from the sidelines - I want to be in the thick of it all myself. From my divorce story I've learned most of all that relationships work best when the two people involved accept each other for who they are not who they think their partner should be. Maybe that's crux of the failure of mine.
OK, I can really relate to this. The growing apart, the inability to stay meaningfully connected. I do view the whole thing a little differently though. Here's my take. I hope it helps.

This was not a failure. It was a necessity. I think you really hit on the crux of it - acceptance. Maybe you and your ex had that at one point and lost it, or maybe you just thought you did and the disconnect revealed itself over time. Regardless, honesty with yourself, and about yourself, is the way to go. You will never be happy otherwise.

Reentering life as a single person is an adjustment. It isn't a competition. Success is not determined by how many "suitors" you collect. It is determined by how happy you are, with your life, with the people you interact with, and yes in the end who you choose as a mate. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

While you are running, look at the world around you and maybe even stop and smell some roses.

I hope you weren't offended by the unsolicited advice. Like I said, your post "spoke" to me.
- October 24th, 2009, 08:47 pm
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