I was once in a relationship with a guy who told me he loved me after we'd been dating about a month (I don't remember exactly). I could tell he had those feelings, and I was starting to feel something for him, too, but I wasn't nearly as far along on the continuum as he was. Since I understand the difference between being IN LOVE and loving someone for who they really are, when he said 'I love you', I didn't say it back right away, because it was too soon for me. The next time he said 'I love you', I told him I loved him, too, because I DID feel SOME love for him, though I wasn't IN LOVE with him, but I wanted to continue seeing him because I felt it could grow for both of us. I've been around the block and have learned to be cautious about such things, so I was taking it slowly and carefully. In addition, I've been through a few situations with men telling me they love me when they didn't even know who I was (really), so I knew it wasn't love they were feeling,they were speaking through their insecurity, and desperately seeking validation.


This particular guy who said it so soon also moved quickly through some other steps; asking me to date him exclusively, wanting to start having sex before I was sure I was ready, and asking me to marry him before we'd known each other 3 months. Can you say INSECURE? This sent up quite a few red flags to me, and sure enough,in time, every one of them proved to be right. He never really loved ME, he was IN LOVE with the idea of being with me, having me, and never wanted to leave my side. He needed to have me around so he could feel good about himself. Can you sayclingy and too emotionally needy? He kept telling me how crazy he was about me and how much in love with me he was. All this behavior specifically kept me from ever loving him more than I had in the beginning. I was stuck on a lower step of the stairs.


Needless to say, his behavioreventually drove me away, and I still don't think he ever really understood that what he felt for me wasn't really love, but that crazy, needy, insecure feeling of desperately seeking validation. What's really sad to me is how many people really don't know or understand the difference, and are not willing to put in the time and effort necessary in a relationship to get to the point of truly loving someone for who they are, instead of the infatuation with a fantasy phase, which ALWAYS eventually fades away in the cold light of day.


I'm a follower of a number of relationship experts besides Neil Clark Warren, one being Dr. Pat Allen (Psych PhD) in particular, and she states that it takes a YEAR for two people to really know each other well enough to decide if marriage is what they want. She further states that the year can easily be broken down into 4 phases: in the first 3 months, you think you've found the perfect person, you're madly in love, and you think you'll live happily ever after. The second 3 months, you start to notice little flaws and imperfections in this person, but you think they're cute, and you don't give them much thought. The third 3 months, these flaws are starting to annoy you, and you're having to have talks about them (in both directions). You're also beginning to realize this person is just as flawed as everyone else you've ever met. The fourth 3 months, you finally see the whole, trueperson (warts and all), and you have to make a choice as to whether you want to stay with them or not. Hopefully by then you've also seen this person in various situations with enough different people to see how they are with all the other people in their life.


Only when allfour of these phases have been passed through is the couple ready and able to make a fully conscious and rational decision about taking their relationship into the step of marriage. Keep in mind, the average person can only maintain a facade for roughly 3 months; after that, their true nature starts to peek through, bit by bit, until somewhere around months 6 to 9, you can pretty much bet you're starting to see the real person.


Pat Allen states that if this person is at least 51% valuable to you, then keep them, because the next person might be worse, and nobody is 100%. She also states that we're all jerks, and none of us are worth marrying, so if you're looking for the perfect person (for you), live alone, because he/she is not coming. There will always be areas of conflict that must be worked out, and therefore one of her stock phrases that I really like is (paraphrasing, not verbatim): "The way you know you love yourself and others is your willingness to make and keep your agreements with them."


In case anyone reading this isinterested in reading more of what Pat Allen has to say, she's written a book entitled, "Getting to 'I Do'", which I highly recommend. It's NOT just for people looking to get married; it's for anyone wanting to understand better how to conduct a healthy and mutually happy heterosexual relationship.