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Harvey7 Harvey7 is offline
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lil_lamb wrote :
one of my godchildren became my ward at a young age. that's an interesting thing, becoming the parent of a child that you didn't give birth to... which is all men and all adoptive mothers. here's a factoid: you don't have to have been pregnant to get neurologically rewired. just being around babies/children for enough time will spur the rewiring of your brain.

anyways, one incident stands out in my mind distinctly. we went for a pancake supper with my boyfriend. i was (and still am) concerned about sugar in her diet. my boyfriend wryly handed her extra syrup (not that she used it). after some time to recover from the blow, i came to realise the value of what he did. it felt like he wasn't considering her health, but you know, it gave her emotional relief from my motherly intensity and the emotional space to make her own decision about food. looking back, my dad did those sorts of things. his "lack of concern" helped me take risks, which all children need to do to grow out of childhood. that's an important thing men offer, i feel: provide relief from being the object of motherly scrutiny and the opportunity to expand.

but it's hard going for men. it's quite a balancing act to respect and manage a mother's fear (which is not baseless) while performing these fatherly acts. if your girlfriend's children are young, your girlfriend may not have had enough time herself to develop the art of letting go.

my advice is to not get into what your and/or your girlfriend is or isn't doing, has or hasn't done. y'all should come at it from the starting point of the art of parenting and growing as a parent in general.
With no disrespect intended you are not the parent, you are the guardian and as such your roll is to teach and love her. to become a self reliant person that can contribute to her world.

People do not give children enough credit for being smarter then you think that they are. I agree with you on sugar, but you must make a distinction between processed and unprocessed sugars. Honey, Maple and other natural sugars are encouraged for use verses processed sugars.
Flexiblity is the key and trust leads to growth and better decision making.



Harvey7.
- November 7th, 2009, 10:11 am
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TiffanyDiamond TiffanyDiamond is offline
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BikerBeagle wrote :
I would say there's a lot more going on here than just the obvious. It's easy to say that these aren't your children, you are just dating their mother and they aren't living with you, so you have no rights to them - but - to put her authoritative foot down over something like this? ...after 2 years? ...hmm, I'd begin wondering if you have a future with this person at all.

Yeah that's what I was thinking. If after two years together she is putting her foot down about you wanting to take her child to an event that he would enjoy and she won't let him go because he may be out a little late??? Me thinks something else is going on. That just does not make any sense. Two years is a long time to be around a woman and her children and if you have spent a lot of time with her kids then I don't get what the problem is.

She obviously doesn't feel like you make wise choices or would be a good father figure; otherwise, she'd be open and communicative ...not throwing what amounts to a 'hissy-fit' over this.
Unless we are missing something her reaction seems really immature.
- November 7th, 2009, 10:35 am
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LizziePooh LizziePooh is offline
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Sassafras54 wrote :
I don't think you come across as being an a$$ but there does seem to be conflict between you and your gf about what your role with her children is.

You're not married and not living together, and these are not your children. If she were just a friend of yours, not a girlfriend, would you give her your unsought opinion on her parenting decisions? Ask to take her child to an event and then argue with her if she says No?

You've been dating 2+ years, and are not married. Why is that? Your gf needs to protect her children from "serial dads". If things don't work out with you 2, and she moves on, her children as well as she, will have to let you go. It makes sense to me that she would limit your role in her/their life.

It sounds like you and she need to discuss your quasi-parent role. It's very nice you want to be a good role model for her kids, but your uncommitted relationship with their mother is going to limit what your role should be.

As far as the silent treatment and the leave-me-alone-for-the-weekend, I don't know, that's a separate thing. Sometimes people just need some space to think. Sometimes they have an unhealthy running-away trick they do. I'd leave her alone for the weekend then call on Monday. Maybe set up a child-free time to talk? Good luck!
I think this was a wonderful post - each paragraph. (I have noticed that a lot Sassafras about your posts - I have been enjoying them.)

One thing I would add - you are involved with the kids and are taking an active role. It is not fair to the kids that the relationship between you and your girlfriend of 2+ years is undefined.

Be careful that balance beam you walk. It is great that you want to be involved when you are involved with their life but what happens to them if you and mommy break-up. Now they have another man that is no longer in their life - not good, IMO.
- November 7th, 2009, 12:14 pm
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Sassafras54 Sassafras54 is offline
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Thank you Lizzie!
- November 7th, 2009, 12:33 pm
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Since she put you off, it is her burden to contact you (personally, being put off like this is sufficient reason to find a new partner.) That said, if you want to contact her in a week or so, I think it is well within your right (not communicating = not having a relationship.)

At two years, I think she should be accepting some degree of your input into merging into her life – otherwise you are either signing up for a permanent non-cohabiting scenario, or being subservient to her opinion on children – which we already know not to be a healthy one. I see this as a mistake.

To be a successful blended family, adults need to take, and be allowed, adult roles.
- November 7th, 2009, 01:16 pm
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Thackery wrote :
First time poster, but have lurked a lot and have seen some very good advice given...So I thought I would toss my current issue out, in hopes of recieving some of that guidance...

Both myself and girlfriend are close to 40. She has 2 young children. We have dated for 2+ years. We don't live together, but I am the primary male role model in her children's lives. Their father is an abusive alcoholic, so I always try make sure that they are learning the positive sides of humanity. How to treat people, doing fun things, learning new things, etc. At any rate, this may have gotten me into a little hot water recently...

Her oldest wanted to see a local sporting event. I had asked her if I could take him, and she had replied that it would be over too late. I explained that it would be finished before his normal bedtime, to which she responded that she didn't think so. There is a tendency for her to want to be involved in ALL the "fun" things that her kids do...which is not really possible or that healthy. I suppose I should have left it at that, but I felt that the enjoyment that he would have received from the game, would far outweigh the lateness (which really wasn't that late). My whole goal was to show him the game, which he was dying to see. The bottom line was that I was doing this COMPLETELY for her child. So....I told her that I know she makes decisions based upon what is best for her family, and that I respected her decision but that I didn't agree with it. I completely understand that she is the MOM and hers is the final decision, but I felt that this was something that was pretty important to her child, and him going was not going to effect anything negatively in any way.

Understand too, that I think she is a FANTASTIC mother and have told her so many times. There may be some baggage from some past relationships, as she was told repeatedly that she was a bad mom.

Called her yesterday and left her a VM. She texted later and said she that she was NOT ready to talk to me and that she is spending the weekend by herself. This is fine, but now in my position, do I contact her next week or wait for her to call. I can wait, but don't want to get into an unncessary standoff... The "silent treatment" is never beneficial to anyone, but maybe she needs to sort things out? I have no idea, really. . .Suppose my comments were taken wrong? What may she be thinking as a mother?

Sorry so long, and thanks in advance!

(I Read my post and it kinda makes me sound like a bit of an ass, but nothing could be farther from the truth....Just want to be a good role model for her kids and help them experience life.)
Well, there are 2 things that jump out at me, I underlined them in your post above.

Abusive alcoholic ex: We are taught that no means no, your arguing the point after she said no may have resonated badly with her. Nothing to do with you per se, but in how a survivor may perceive the message, intended or not. Your intentions were probably not to be controlling, but that is how they may have been perceived. Remember this type of reaction is not always a conscious decision and may have nothing to do with you personally at all.

Her wanting to be involved with the fun things: As another poster mentioned, would this be the first time you would be taking one of her children anywhere alone? Again, this is not to be taken as a personal affront, this is one of the ways survivors can react - overprotective in your eyes maybe, but it is what it is. It is really hard to trust coming out of an abusive relationship, and it is not unusual for someone to trust you with themselves a lot faster than they would trust you with their children. And they may not realize this themselves on a conscious level......

Would it be a good idea to call? Not sure - has this happened before, the silence thing, if not, maybe some sort of apology is in order - again I am not saying you DID anything wrong, so the apology would not be for what you actually DID, but for how it made her FEEL. I hope that I have been clear enough here that you understand the difference...... there might just be one of those things where there is no right or wrong, it just is......

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- November 7th, 2009, 01:16 pm
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nightling nightling is online now
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Thackery wrote :
First time poster, but have lurked a lot and have seen some very good advice given...So I thought I would toss my current issue out, in hopes of recieving some of that guidance...

Both myself and girlfriend are close to 40. She has 2 young children. We have dated for 2+ years. We don't live together, but I am the primary male role model in her children's lives. Their father is an abusive alcoholic, so I always try make sure that they are learning the positive sides of humanity. How to treat people, doing fun things, learning new things, etc. At any rate, this may have gotten me into a little hot water recently...

Her oldest wanted to see a local sporting event. I had asked her if I could take him, and she had replied that it would be over too late. I explained that it would be finished before his normal bedtime, to which she responded that she didn't think so. There is a tendency for her to want to be involved in ALL the "fun" things that her kids do...which is not really possible or that healthy. I suppose I should have left it at that, but I felt that the enjoyment that he would have received from the game, would far outweigh the lateness (which really wasn't that late). My whole goal was to show him the game, which he was dying to see. The bottom line was that I was doing this COMPLETELY for her child. So....I told her that I know she makes decisions based upon what is best for her family, and that I respected her decision but that I didn't agree with it. I completely understand that she is the MOM and hers is the final decision, but I felt that this was something that was pretty important to her child, and him going was not going to effect anything negatively in any way.

Understand too, that I think she is a FANTASTIC mother and have told her so many times. There may be some baggage from some past relationships, as she was told repeatedly that she was a bad mom.

Called her yesterday and left her a VM. She texted later and said she that she was NOT ready to talk to me and that she is spending the weekend by herself. This is fine, but now in my position, do I contact her next week or wait for her to call. I can wait, but don't want to get into an unncessary standoff... The "silent treatment" is never beneficial to anyone, but maybe she needs to sort things out? I have no idea, really. . .Suppose my comments were taken wrong? What may she be thinking as a mother?

Sorry so long, and thanks in advance!

(I Read my post and it kinda makes me sound like a bit of an ass, but nothing could be farther from the truth....Just want to be a good role model for her kids and help them experience life.)
Did this conversation take place in front of he child?
- November 7th, 2009, 09:59 pm
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modded ... all I asked basically was whether the conversation took place in front of the kid. What could have been modded in that?
- November 7th, 2009, 10:00 pm
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lil_lamb lil_lamb is offline
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Harvey7 wrote :
With no disrespect intended you are not the parent, you are the guardian and as such your roll is to teach and love her. to become a self reliant person that can contribute to her world.

People do not give children enough credit for being smarter then you think that they are. I agree with you on sugar, but you must make a distinction between processed and unprocessed sugars. Honey, Maple and other natural sugars are encouraged for use verses processed sugars.
Flexiblity is the key and trust leads to growth and better decision making.

Harvey7.
re. guardianship: oh, don't be confused by my terminology, harvey. the child came to live with me. you are the parent when the child lives with you full time, you take her to the doctor, and you are on the PTA of her school. and i have to tell you, when you take on a child like this, you can't do half measures and say, "i'm not your parent, i'm only your guardian." you are there all the way, or you're full of BS and should bunk off.

re. sugars: well, my concern is/was type 2 diabetes, which runs strong in her family as it's wont to do in families. as a type 1 diabetic, i have to tell you, when it comes to diabetes, a carb is a carb is a carb.

re. flexibility: but that is the whole issue... a mother doesn't just say to herself "i need to be flexible" and bingo! she's flexible. the neurochemistry is fierce.
- November 8th, 2009, 03:20 am
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Thackery Thackery is offline
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Thanks to everyone that replied. Some great things to think about!

I will try to keep it short and answer the posed questions. Not sure if it will change the advice and suggestions but here goes...

wrote :
whether the conversation took place in front of the kid
No. We make it a point to never have discussions like this around the kids.

wrote :
Do you have an intimate relationship with her? Are you an overnight quest her place or yours?
Yes, and at her place, but NEVER when the kids are there. Creates too many questions and potential confusion for young kids, in my opinion.

wrote :
You didn't mention if she let you take them alone before
Absolutely. We have gone on trips as a group, as well as me taking her kids both together and each individually. She makes it clear that they love me and do look up to me for guidance. As well as have a great time with me.

She does consult me in certain decision making regarding her kids. Not everyone, of course, but the bigger ones she runs my me for my input.

Don't know if that makes any difference to my sitch, but I am still confused as the extended amount of time to address this. I am all for people taking "me" time to do things. You can't have a solid relationship if you do everything together. So, time for yourself is very beneficial...but this long...If she wants to end the relationship, let me know. If she wants to discuss how this effected her, we can do that as well. But the silent treatment for 5 days?? A little disconcerting.

Thanks again to all.
- November 8th, 2009, 05:39 am
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