When my Daughter was born, I LEFT her alcoholic father and flew almost 2,000 miles to stay with my sister and her husband. I had no college education, no car, and no money. But I would rather live in a cardboard box than with a poisonous Man.
My sister’s house was beautiful; it was like living with Martha Stewart. On the outside, it looked perfect; Homemaker Wife, Hard working Husband, adorable five year old daughter.
I sensed it wasn’t the whole picture but I didn’t ask-not my business.
One night I woke up to the sound of them arguing. He had come home from another woman’s house-again. My heart broke for her but I covered my ears and tried to stay out of it.
Then I heard him throwing things-he wanted to go back to the woman and she had hidden his keys. He screamed for her to get them and when I heard the fear in her voice as she struggled to find them, I was up and out like a Doberman. I opened the door and he was pushing her down the hall. I saw red and jumped on him. I pushed him against the wall and pressed my knee to his groin and my elbow to his throat. I don’t remember what I said to him but I do remember him yelling for my sister to "Get me off of him". What a coward. Couldn’t handle someone who could fight back and was asking the one he was JUST abusing to save HIM from a beating?
My sister called the Military Police and they took him away. A week later, he calls. Says he won’t come back home with HER (me) there. Guess who my sister kicked out? ME!
So, I move into a tiny trailer with my infant (all I could afford with my waitress job) and the Husband moves back. A month later he puts her in the hospital-again. Beat her in front of her five year old and messed up her back. I eventually join the military and move to another State. I tell her before leaving that if she EVER decides to leave him, she always has a place with me.
Seven months later she calls me. She is leaving. I welcome her to my apartment. I furnish my extra room for her and her daughter. She is pregnant so I buy furniture and clothes for the new baby as well. I tell her not to worry about working or paying rent. I pay all the bills and for food. I just am happy that she is free of him.
My only request is that if she MUST call him, she doesn’t tell him where she is. After a few months-she does. He shows up. I do not let him stay. When he leaves, I tell my sis that if she insists on letting this dangerous man back into her life (he has threatened her with a gun before) She cannot stay here and put me and my daughter in danger. She apologizes saying "She just didn’t want ~the new baby~ to not know his father. (Like that would be a BAD thing?)
Eventually she gets a job. She loathes feeling "indebted" to me and becomes angry and jealous of my life. So I introduce her to my friends and help her get an apartment (Put my name on the lease because she doesn’t make enough money). I pay the first month for her and help her get furniture.
I move to Germany. Before I leave, I pay for the next couple of months of her rent AND give her the travel money the Army gave me (about 3, 000). I tell her that if she EVER needs ANYTHING, to let me know-I will help if I can.
I leave. I am broke the first month in Germany because I gave my travel money to my sister. Coworkers help me out. I am anticipating the next payday. It doesn’t come for me. I find out I DID get paid-yet my account is practically empty. Military Finance officials investigate.
This goes on for two months. I can’t figure it out. Meanwhile, my daughter and I are living on Military pay advances. I get a huge envelope in the mail from my bank in America.
About 30 returned checks fall out. I get another one a week later-same thing. WHAT?? Mystery solved. I call my bank. Tell them I’ve been in Germany and didn’t write those checks. We argue. The signature is dead-on to mine and Bank officials cite that some of the checks are withdrawals which can only be done in PERSON and with a PHOTO ID. The painful truth hits me. A week before I left the States, I lost my Military ID card. Had to get another one. My sister and I are confused as twins all the time. I don’t write checks that often and wouldn’t notice if ONE book of checks was missing out of the dozen or so that I had. When I joined the military, I gave my last paycheck (from the waitressing job) to my sister. I taught her how to write my signature so she could cash it.
Well, I call my sister and tell her about the strange returned checks. I don’t mention my suspicion of her. She seems sympathetic and tell’s me she suspects a friend of mine might have done it. I stew on it a few days. I call her back. No answer.-ever again. Military Investigators inform me that they suspect my sister. They are ready to have civilian police find and arrest her-if I press charges. I don’t. It takes me 3 years to pay back all the money and my credit is screwed. I try to write a check at a store and am embarrassed when they decline it.
I forgive my sister. I think maybe she NEEDED the money for clothes or food or rent and was too embarrassed to ask me after I had done so much already. But I look at the checks. They are from places like "Footlocker", "Bed Bath and Beyond" , Clothing stores in the Mall that I’ve never heard of and…DOMINOES PIZZA???
Why do I tell this LONG story? Because ten years later (and still no contact from sis) I am at my parents house for Thanksgiving. My father recently discovered that she was living in the same state as me, 8 hours away, and still with her husband. I couldn’t believe she went back to him. But it explained why no one has heard from her (aside from her guilt) her husband was controlling and hated her family.
My mom talked about her conversations with my sister while I was in Germany. She said that shortly after I had left, My sister called, sad and lonely from HIS (husbands) parents house. She was upset that she had "Spent all that money on clothes and expensive gifts for him and his whole family for Christmas and they were still treating her like an outcast". My mom sad it struck her as strange because she new my sister had no money. How could she afford the designer clothes and items for so many people? I knew how. I was FURIOUS.
I still am. My sister did that and put me and my daughter through all of that for a MAN!! And a CHEATING, ABUSIVE, SNAKE MAN at that!!!
I don’t get women who stay with men like this. ESPECIALLY when they, like my sister, are GIVEN the opportunity to get out and still just run right back. I think they are not only stupid but selfish. Selfish because they not only prolonged their own suffering but that of their children and bring suffering to their families.
I don’t know what to do at this point. I have forgiven her a long time ago but now that I know where she is, I feel the urge to confront her. I feel like deserve an apology and an explanation at the very least. My daughter and I did without and lived on scraps for a long time because of what she did. My credit is screwed, even today, I won’t write a check at a store for fear of some alarm going off. Not to mention the worry she put my parents through by dropping off the face of the earth for ten years. We didn’t know if she was dead or alive.
I feel she is a coward. She chose to abandon those who care about her rather than face me with what she had done. She would be in PRISON right now if it weren’t for me. And she runs back to that demon after everything.
I also worry about her kids. They grew up watching all of that.
But she has hidden from us for so long; I fear that if I call her, she will disappear again. I’ve toyed with just showing up at the address but I don’t know if that’s a good idea either.
Should I just let it go? I just don’t know what do.