Advice and Support from Thousands of Users Just Like You

Relationships Relationships: they have their ups and their downs. Share your joy or weather the storm in this discussion board.

Reply
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
crazydaisy121 crazydaisy121 is offline
crazydaisy121's Avatar

Join Date: Oct 2009

Posts: 1

See profile

I'm finding myself asking myself what to do, so here I am asking for all of your thoughts on this:

my boyfriend of a number of years who I recently just moved across the country with, and am totally in love with, recently told me that in the end he wants to be in a polygamist relationship (except its illegal so I'd be the wife, and thered be a 'girlfriend'). Me being number one, of course, and then another woman who we would share, not only our sexual desires with, but yes, our children.

I'm buddhist now, but was raised christian and was absolutely shocked.

How can I allow my jealousy to not control me in a situation like that?

I find myself asking if my Mr. Right who I've talked about marriage with time and time again really isn't right for me. I'm trying to allow myself to just live life and let things play out- maybe test the waters and see how I feel but the worry that things could go terribly wrong let my thoughts stray to giving up and starting over.

So I'm curious, what would you do AND how do you feel about a polygamist relationship?

thank you so much!
- October 16th, 2009, 07:05 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#1   Reply With Quote
yoga_gal yoga_gal is offline
yoga_gal's Avatar

yoga_gal 's Australian nickname is You Little Ripper!

Volunteer Community Leader

Join Date: Nov 2008

Posts: 4,728

See profile

Ok, I could tell you what I think you should do but your question was what would I do and feel about it. I would feel that it was a bum deal. He was getting a wife and a girlfriend and I was getting half of a guy. I won't even get into the sharing/sex aspect. I would also be mad that he is just now bringing this up AFTER I moved cross country to be with him after we had discussed marriage before.

What would I do? I would say "best of luck to you but our values are too different for any kind of relationship." Then I would begin my life without him and after some time figuring out how I came to be with someone who did not respect me or the relationship, move on in the dating world.

Best of luck
- October 16th, 2009, 07:30 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#2   Reply With Quote
Bootsky Bootsky is offline
Bootsky's Avatar

Bootsky is wishing for good things to happen!

Quick Study

Join Date: Sep 2009

Posts: 143

See profile

yoga_gal wrote :
...

What would I do? I would say "best of luck to you but our values are too different for any kind of relationship." Then I would begin my life without him and after some time figuring out how I came to be with someone who did not respect me or the relationship, move on in the dating world.

Best of luck
I agree with this. I don't see the relationship going anywhere because ultimately, he is going to get what he wants and you are going to be miserable. If you have expressed your views to him and he will not compromise, then he is not the man for you. You shouldn't have to live your life miserable or drive yourself insane with jealousy because you think he is "perfect" for you, when in reality he is not giving all of himself to you while you are giving all of yourself to him. This is not healthy unless it is what you both want. Well this one major difference in opinions happens to be a deal breaker flaw. I would move on if I were you as hard as it is. It is really crappy he told you this AFTER you moved across the country. I also wish you luck!
- October 17th, 2009, 05:40 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#3   Reply With Quote
littlebluemonkeymind littlebluemonkeymind is offline
littlebluemonkeymind's Avatar

littlebluemonkeymind The word of the day is: FOCUS

Power Poster

Join Date: Jul 2008

Posts: 9,086

See profile

Forget the religion. Forget the love. Ask yourself this? Do you want a polyamorist lifestyle? Do you want to share assets with, support, and care for whatever number of women he decides have sex and children with?
- October 17th, 2009, 07:34 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#4   Reply With Quote
dadist dadist is offline
dadist's Avatar

Quick Study

Join Date: Nov 2008

Posts: 100

See profile

Get away, this guy waited to tell you this till you moved across the country. This guy has put you into a position where it is harder for you to be disagreeable to what he wants. He knew you wouldn't want it too, you have talked about marriage in the past.

Don't tell him that you are leaving, just collect all of the money that you can, his and yours if possible (he owes you for dragging you across the country and you will need as much as possible to get reestablished) and go.
- October 18th, 2009, 07:34 am
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#5   Reply With Quote

ADVERTISEMENT

Emme Emme is offline
Emme's Avatar

Emme .

Veteran

Join Date: Dec 2007

Posts: 1,276

See profile

What would his reaction be if you insisted on having another husband as well? With whom he would have to share your children too? What's good for the gander must be good for the goose, too. If he won't even consider that possibility, I'd be gone in a heartbeat. He wants to eat his cake and have it too. Would the girlfried be revolving, as in does he get to dump one and get another anytime he wants, or would be there one permanent girlfriend? Are you bisexual and interested in this type of intimate relationship? How does he propose to support all of these potential children, and how does he plan to have the kids explain their family to their friends?

Bottom line is, if you don't want it don't feel pushed into it, even though you just moved. If it's not for you, it's not for you. Period. If you could and want to do this, make sure everything is very very clear before you embark on such a thing as it could get extremetly messy and painful.
- October 18th, 2009, 09:02 am
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#6   Reply With Quote
Sassafras54 Sassafras54 is offline
Sassafras54's Avatar

Veteran

Join Date: Oct 2009

Posts: 1,492

See profile

I can't believe he wanted YEARS to tell you this. Either he's very manipulative (suck you in until it's harder for you to say no) or this is some bizarre whim, or commit-phobia or something.

This is one of those Can't-Be-Fixed situations: one or the other of you has to give up a deeply held belief, value, or desire, or -- you have to break up.

I guess you have to make your choice. Personally I'd be gone in a flash.
- October 18th, 2009, 09:13 am
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#7   Reply With Quote
Edmondo Edmondo is offline
Edmondo's Avatar

Edmondo is styling

Quick Study

Join Date: Nov 2008

Posts: 121

See profile

When I read your post I right away thought of something humorous like Emme. What if you said you wanted another man or men in your life? Of course you would say I really want children and if I got pregnant would you raise the child as your own. Even put your name on the birth certificate? Basically putting him on the spot.


He wants his cake and eat it too.


He sounds like a sophisticated player. Kick him to the curb and move on with your life.
- October 18th, 2009, 09:14 am
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#8   Reply With Quote
PR_Princess PR_Princess is offline
PR_Princess's Avatar

PR_Princess A hippo has no sting in its tail, the wise would rather be sat on by a bee

Enthusiast

Join Date: Jun 2009

Posts: 606

See profile

crazydaisy121 wrote :
I'm finding myself asking myself what to do, so here I am asking for all of your thoughts on this:

my boyfriend of a number of years who I recently just moved across the country with, and am totally in love with, recently told me that in the end he wants to be in a polygamist relationship (except its illegal so I'd be the wife, and thered be a 'girlfriend'). Me being number one, of course, and then another woman who we would share, not only our sexual desires with, but yes, our children.

I'm buddhist now, but was raised christian and was absolutely shocked.

How can I allow my jealousy to not control me in a situation like that?

I find myself asking if my Mr. Right who I've talked about marriage with time and time again really isn't right for me. I'm trying to allow myself to just live life and let things play out- maybe test the waters and see how I feel but the worry that things could go terribly wrong let my thoughts stray to giving up and starting over.

So I'm curious, what would you do AND how do you feel about a polygamist relationship?

thank you so much!
Just a heads up on the situation....he may have told you recently he wanted a polygamist relationship but he was thinking about it all along as he roped you into this relationship. Since you are so open to new ideas and faiths he knew what he was doing when you chose you for a mate. This is a decision that you have to make as to whether you are going to be comfortable with this lifestyle. My personal opinion....I wouldn't invest my energy in someone who was not truthful and upfront with me to begin with.

It may be lawful in my faith but my faith also requires you to be truthful about your intentions and to honor marriage contracts.Besides in today's society there are so many single and available people that there really is no need to go this route as the edict for polygamy was created in a time of war when there were few men, many widows, and no social services. A woman who did not have a man to support her in those days starved and died along with her children.

He sounds like an opportunist to me and not someone who has pure intentions. As I said...this is my opinion and you know what's best for your life. I personally knew a woman who went this route but the person was upfront, she was the second wife and the first wife had more say in helping choose her than probably the husband did as she was going to help raise her children and look after her husband while he was out of the country.
- October 18th, 2009, 09:52 am
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#9   Reply With Quote
timeless2 timeless2 is offline
timeless2's Avatar

timeless2 wishes you a Happy Valentine's Day

Virtuoso

Join Date: Dec 2008

Posts: 3,836

See profile

dadist wrote :
Get away, this guy waited to tell you this till you moved across the country. This guy has put you into a position where it is harder for you to be disagreeable to what he wants. He knew you wouldn't want it too, you have talked about marriage in the past.

Don't tell him that you are leaving, just collect all of the money that you can, his and yours if possible (he owes you for dragging you across the country and you will need as much as possible to get reestablished) and go.
Funny, but I really like this response. I've always prided myself on not talking anything material from an ending relationship, but this is right on. Take the money an run! (I guess you realize that a man is not something I want to share.)
- October 19th, 2009, 06:53 am
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#10   Reply With Quote

ADVERTISEMENT

Reply
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3

Bookmarks

« Trying to figure out how she sees me. | Array | "Forgettable" sex -- sex-induced amnesia? »
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Stieg Larsson ("The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo", "The Girl Who Played With Fire") bclfgrd2 Books 8 October 15th, 2009 07:28 pm
Very Confused Here - Question About a Girl? dtt2802 Ask a Dating Expert 9 October 14th, 2009 07:10 pm
When is it professionally ok and not ok to date a girl? Leafsg Dating 25 August 8th, 2009 05:43 pm
Collegge Girl Troubles purpleraider Ask a Dating Expert 21 May 22nd, 2009 05:30 pm

Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“they have probably married and divorced by now” – Nanette

Join the “My girlfriend has lost interest in sex but says there is nothing wrong....” discussion

“What I also find interesting is that it doesn't seem to have the same cascade of effects in women that it does in men. I read a research paper a while back showing an almost opposite effect on women ... ” – nightling

Join the “Blame it on testosterone?” discussion

“sneezes snoozes” – dahlimema

Join the “Game: Change one letter” discussion

“Whiskey sour” – dahlimema

Join the “Games: A, B, C (take two)” discussion

“So, I was matched two weeks ago with this guy who stood out from every other match I have had to date. (snip) The next day(snip) one thing led to another, and even though neither had planned on ... ” – TheThinker

Join the “Is he realistic or am I missing something?” discussion

“No, I didn't think anyone here was saying "date everyone" either. It just got a little snarky for a couple of posts in another thread when people started sarcastically saying we're supposed to date ... ” – nightling

Join the “Filtering Out Mr. or Ms. Right” discussion

“I just had to give this thread 5 stars. I can't say that I have ever tooted in front of my children, ex-husband or ex-bf and to this day they are convinced I never toot. I just couldn't do it, ... ” – Mokkesofie

Join the “Don't Mess With My Toot-Toot!” discussion

“ I think a general expectation in any genuine relationship is that both people will be transparent in their activities. It's the only way trust is built. The problem seems to be that the OP is ... ” – littlebluemonkeymind

Join the “Is it him or is it me?” discussion



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:18 am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2010, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.3.0