Hey man, I don't know if I am too late with this post, but you are in what I liked to call in a "Man Collection". I am not sure of your age, or where you live, but I am in Gen X in Australia, and this term is now a big part of our Australian society. Too many times have I been hopelessly dragged into the 'Man Collections' without realizing it, thinking I was being nice, in turn, my energy being drained for no intensive purposes.





The reasons (without being sexist, as the female collection exists also):





1. With the massive influx of romantic comedies, trashy mags, and Sex And The City, more women today, not all, have become incredibly insatiable, especially Australian women who are very independent, when it comes to relationships, and have now become 'self-esteem junkies', constantly needing to be reassured at a higher than usual rate. As this rises, it is rare for a dude to be able to cope, including other things such as the high stress of modern living, job pressure etc and coping with such high demands of a relationship, which ultimately will lead it to fizzle, as a good female friend of mine unfortunately found out after recently losing her boyfriend for these exact reason.





2. Man or women collections are terribly damaging to whoever is in the collection. Especially if they have then have had feeling created from this false way these people are made to feel about the other party. Woman Collections are more obvious usually because most guys use the, "Treat Them Mean To Keep Them Keen" policy and is most often usually about sex, so any strong word from a best friend usually snaps the woman out of it (woman are smarter and listen to advice). On the other hand, women are sneakier with collections and use mixed messages to confuse the man, and is usually about self esteem and spiritual needs, keeping the man thinking if they stick around, they dreams will come true, or "The Mermaid Syndrome", which obviously this woman has done to yourself unfortunately.





3. This woman obviously needs you for the energy or spiritual requirements she needs and isn't getting anywhere else, including for filling her maternal needs by hanging out with your daughter, and making her feel part of your family, so she feels wanted and loved, especially by a guy she can keep at arms length. The most likely reason this happened was because you told her you liked her in the beginning, and she marked you down as, "If I don't have anything, I can rely on him cause he likes me' category. Most woman who find out a guy likes them, will usually bail, but the ones who go away and come back usually have agendas. She placed these boundaries so she gets 100% of your attention and energy, but when things cross the line, she can pull out and withdraw. And also, if you have never seen this bf, most likely the dude doesn't exist.





4. Unfortunately, nothing will change, and if they do, when someone has needs that require a collection in the first place, it means if you two were to be together eventually, then you most likely will find yourself in another collection with some other guy. In my mind I think collections are as bad as cheating, even though nothing is physical.





5. Finally, dude, you sound like you have the heart of a saint, and you have a daughter, so you have already passed on your legacy, and its time for a bit of 'you' time. The longer you spend sending energy her way without getting it in return, the longer you'll resent not moving on quicker. Your priority is to break the man collection and move on, but prepare for some fallback. Our spiritual energy we give to people can be like a drug, if you do it slowly, you can maintain the relationship. If you make her go cold turkey, make sure you are prepared for some backlash.





Be good my friend, and find someone who wants to be with you from the start, not a constellation prize.





JD

An update....

It's been a while since I started this massive discussion and I've listened to and thought hard about all that you've told me. I've even had some email exchanges with a few folks who posted here, and the thoughts have been helpful.

Hopefully without getting people upset over me beating a dead horse, I figured today was a good time to update the group as to what's going on with my "friend without benefits".

We've stayed close over the last few months and, if anything, she's gotten significantly more involved in my life. Some friends and neighbors think that we are a couple, though we really aren't. I thought about ending the relationship several times but held out hope that it would change. She's become very attached to and involved with my daughter especially (and my son to some degree). Over the summer they've spent a lot of time together...she or her mom would pick up my daughter after a summer school class and spend the day with her, she took her for the weekend when I was away for my high school reunion, she took her to Maine for a 4 day mini vacation, just the two of them. Without asking me, she put my daughter on her cell phone plan so she could have unlimited texting (I got on her about that) and she's booked appointments for my daughter and I to see the eye doctor, etc.

We painted my daughter's bedroom together, she is over to my house for dinner on average once a week. My cell phone bill indicates taht she calls me at least every day and that doesn't count the calls to my office phone and to my home phone and text messages. I tried a couple of times to ignore her after feeling upset about our relationship...and on one occassion she proceeded to call me 12 times in an hour because I didn't respond...only to tell me that she was calling because she thought it cute that her mom and my daughter spent the day together.

She enrolled my daughter in sewing classes and split the cost with me; they made a formal gown for my daughter, who was a finalist in the Miss Jr. Teen pageant again this year. On pageant weekend she was there, acting like my girlfriend most of the time, taking pictures with her head on my shoulder and her arm in mine. That weekend my oldest daughter got married...she's estranged from me (a long story, I haven't seen her in 5 years) but she invited her siblings...and my friend took them. She called me several times from the wedding to check on my emotional state, knowing how tough this was on me.

And all summer it's been obvious that she wasn't seeing the boyfriend...she was around most every weekend. She told me...and the kids..that she loves me and wants me (and the kids) in her life ... but feels that we probably shouldnt' get romantically involved because she doesn't want to lose them if we break up. I told her it was worth the risk...she said "well, I'm with my boyfriend still" (this was back in May).

We got into a spat at the beginning of August over our relationship after several "get close and then pull away" events. She called me on a Sunday afternoon after I hadn't heard from her all weekend, which had become unusual. I asked her what she was doing...she said "driving home from" the town where her boyfriend lives. I said "oh, great"...and she said "boy, you hide your feelings well, don't you?". I told her I thought she was done with him, she didn't want to talk about it and we tried to have a civil conversation (she said "you know where things stand, I didn't do anything wrong; you should be out there meeting women") but I couldn't say much so we ended the talk. The next day she sent me a very nasty email saying my attitude was judgemental and possessive and that though she really cares for me, she doesn't have "sexual feelings" for me. She wants to be in my life and be a close friend to me and my kids but if I can't accept that then she'll leave our lives before I know it. Then she said "do you think this is in your daughter's best interest? shouldn't you put her first?". I didn't respond at all and I saw her at a distance on the way home from work but we both intentionally ignored each other.

That night she called me and got very quiet...and in a very small voice asked "are we OK?" ... sounding to the world like she was afraid I was going to blast her or end the relationship (I was thinking of it). We talked it out, she said she "loves" me very much and wants to be in my life but isn't "physically attracted"....she'd do anything for me except sleep with me. She said that if she broke up with the guy she'd date other men but wants to be part of my family like now. I agreed to be friends and told her she doesn't know what she's missing. Then she made plans with my daughter for the wedding, etc.

The very next day...when I'm trying to not have to deal with her...she sees me on the train home from work and starts sending me flirty text messages...she was hiding and wanting me to find her (and she saw me talking to another woman). I did, then we walked home together like nothing's changed. Then there was the pageant and the wedding that weekend, the kisses on the cheek stuff, etc. At the pageant she said she wants to get a hotel room with me, and my daugther, at next year's pageant to make things easier. She said she'd go hiking with me, she set up a "family day" date with me and the kids to go to an amusement park ("I feel bad that you must be feeling left out when I spend the day with your daughter and you're not included").

And she's proceeded to get even closer. A week ago Saturday she spent the entire afternoon and evening with me, alone, because I was worried about my budget. She's an organizational freak...so I let her have at it. She showed me some of her stuff, then got completely into my books, helped me plan things better than I have been, we shredded a bunch of paper, etc. Now she knows my finances in deatil. And all week calling me and reminding me of what I need to take care of. Tuesday night again we spent time together....and I noticed that she was, for the first time, wearing the necklace I gave her last Christmas. She hugged me for a long time that night, knowing I was upset about some things I'm dealing with at home.

She cancelled the family day for now, "money's too tight", but was constantly in touch with me all week while I've been fighting bronchitis. Took my daughter to a show Saturday.

And last night I put up a profile on POF (cancelled my EH), just to see what it's about. No picture. Who do you think would be my first match?

My friend. With a recent picture. And she'd logged in within the last 24 hours. She's looking for a guy to date, to go on all the outdoor activities she loves to do (but won't do with me...no 1 - 1 activities!). Fairly innocuous profile, nothing overtly sexy..but definitely dating.

So she's really not with the boyfriend. And not with me either, though she has taken a completely and totally involved role with me, down to the point of knowing my habits, my health, my checkbook balance, etc etc etc. Even has access to my house when I'm not there.

I guess I should either learn to accept this (which is hard) or do what others have told me and cut the ties. Accepting it is hard....she's closer to me than any woman since I was divorced years ago. And she rejects me because I'm not physically attractive. Cutting off is hard...I love having her around and she's the closest thing to a mom that my daughter has.

But this sucks.

thanks for listening.