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Bearwolf102 Bearwolf102 is offline
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Bearwolf102 Loveing life

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So as some of you know I have been seeing this girl for about a month and a half. She is very busy as a full time medical student. I think this is awesome and work very hard to be very supportive of her academic pursuits. We have both talked about the possibility of being together long term. This would mean that for the next 8 or so years she would be this busy or more so as she does courses, labs, internships, and eventual residency before becoming a fully fledged MD. We both would want to have children in this time frame just to add some complexity to the mix.

Our dates are great and we can talk for hours about anything as we are both well read. We share the same Christian beliefs. She is from China and has lived in the states for over 15 years and is working on full citizenship shortly. She is beautiful, smart, kind, and ambitious; all the things that I have always wanted and more.

However; all this being said and feeling that this is great and would be happy to have this be the reality here is the problem. I only get to see her one day a week at most. This is understandable with her studies and something I can accept. But what is really hard is the fact that she rarely sends me any emails, texts, or picks up the phone. I work during the day and have plenty of friends and activities to keep me busy but I want to hear from her once in awhile. The average per week is one call to work out what we are doing on the weekend. I send her a few texts or an email during the week to ask after her but I rarely hear back from these. When I call her (always at night when she is out of class) she rarely answers. I don’t want to bother or smother her, or distract her from her studies. That would be the last thing I want. But what I don’t want is to simply be her weekly entertainment for a few hours on a weekend evening.

So how can I address this lack of communication in a caring way that expresses my needs without intruding on hers? Am I asking to much to get a text/email/ or phone call about how she is doing every few days? What do you folks think? Is it just cultural caucasian man chinese girl?

Thank you,
Joshua
- July 22nd, 2009, 11:21 am
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DancingFool DancingFool is offline
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For one, I think it's a bit of insecurity and as a result neediness speaking. If she is dating you, she likes you and you should try hard to actually accept that. She has better things to do with her life and time than to just use you for weekend entertainment. In other words, don't self-sabotage.

For two, I don't think you are fully grasping her life and what she is doing even when you say that you do. You want attention that she literaly cannot give to you and quite frankly will never really be able to give. That's the downside of dating doctors and lawyers. So ask yourself very honestly if this is something that you can honestly handle. Residency is only going make things worse and even more tense and her time even more sparse. Once she gets done with all that, depending on what she does for a living her time will also be pretty busy with work and possibly unpredictable for the most part. Can you really handle that and can you trust and have enough confidence in your relationship to deal with that?
- July 22nd, 2009, 12:37 pm
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last12C last12C is offline
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Hmmm.... you say that you are fully supportive of her academic pursuits, but you don't seem to be able to live with the limitations that those academic pursuits set. Going through med school is kind of like military boot camp times 1000. Class time is only a fraction of the amount of time that someone has to devote to it. Homework, test prep, case studies, lab reports, on and on and on absolutely consume you. The constant stress, pressure and mind games are impossible to describe to someone else. Part of the process is being put in a position where you are forced to perform beyond what you think you are physically, mentally and emotionally capable of with little sleep. You are not really allowed to have a life.

You are extremely lucky to be getting what you are.

I went through nursing school, which was half the time and a fraction of the pressure that a med student has to contend with. But if anyone in my life had started whining about the amount of time that I was giving them while I was trying to survive it I would have driven a stake through their heart. Trust me, I don't care how cute you are or how wonderful you are if you try to compete with what she is immersed in right now you will lose.

So, you are either supportive or you are not. If you say the words then turn around and pressure for more than she can give, you are going to become a problem that she cannot afford to maintain in her life. Good bye.

I'm afraid you are going to have to make up your mind whether you can deal with it or not. If you can't, let her concentrate on her studies. She can't afford the distraction.
Last edited by last12C; July 22nd, 2009 at 12:57 pm. Reason: I ALWAYS forget to run spell check, LOL!
- July 22nd, 2009, 12:39 pm
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Bearwolf102 Bearwolf102 is offline
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Hmm harsh but fair words from both of you. I guess all I want to know is does she want me to be her support or not. I would be fine with less time, and less communication if I knew how she felt. Something I need to talk to her about. I am not into pressuring others to do things they don't want to do. I just want to know if we are both in this. If we are than I would be honored to just be there for her.
- July 22nd, 2009, 01:03 pm
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last12C last12C is offline
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Bearwolf102 wrote :
Hmm harsh but fair words from both of you. I guess all I want to know is does she want me to be her support or not. I would be fine with less time, and less communication if I knew how she felt. Something I need to talk to her about. I am not into pressuring others to do things they don't want to do. I just want to know if we are both in this. If we are than I would be honored to just be there for her.
Problem is, what she may sincerely want and what she is realistically capable of giving are two completely different things. Kind of like trying to get blood out of a turnip.

Out of a beginning class of 30, 18 of us graduated and 15 of us passed the State Exam the first time. And of those 15, very few had relationships that survived and there were 4 who were going through divorces when they sat for the Board, one of whom even lost custody of her children.
Last edited by last12C; July 22nd, 2009 at 01:16 pm.
- July 22nd, 2009, 01:11 pm
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Bearwolf102 Bearwolf102 is offline
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She is makeing a life choice to be a Doctor. I have never questioned that. If I see her long term I will be makeing a life choice as well. Particularly if we were to have children one day as we have entertained. I believe it is possible for two people to do this. My own parents did gradschool worked full time and had my brother and I at the same time. Somehow it fell into place.

But I agree it would never be easy. Far from it. It would be a constant strugle.

I am not sure it is as difficult as getting blood from a turnip...however.
- July 22nd, 2009, 01:20 pm
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happyquestion happyquestion is offline
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I can understand exactly how you feel. Cultural reasons aside, I believe that in any relationship (no matter your partner is a lawyer/doctor/police/president or what have you) wanting to establish a better communication is a very reasonable ask.

We make time for what we want, if she wants to communicate with you she will make time for it, a short brief message say hi or just show a little bit of caring is not much out of anyone's busy schedule, unless of course the relationship is being places secondary or at a very low priority.

I guess the only way to find out is to sit down with her and have a chat about your feelings, and listen to her about her life/perspective, without sounding like you are making demand or blaming her for no communication.

Maybe this is still in the early stages of your relationship that she doesn't have as much attachment to the relationship to devote little more time to communicate or give you more attention, best way to find out is to discuss with her.

You asked about how to bring it up without intruding on her needs... This is a tough one I'm still finding the line of balance. I've been dating a career focused partner who has 2 young kids, her schedule had always been very busy. In the initial stages of our relationshiop we managed at least twice a week meet up and daily messages and/or phone calls. Up to a few months ago though, this had changed and we are now lucky to meet up once every two weeks, although the messaging is still there, but phone call reduced etc, I felt the same way you did for the lack of communication (which i've experienced possible, and now reduced). So i kind of brought it up, it hasn't gone down well and at the moment situation is very fragile, n i'm still working on creating the bond again.

It's a delicate situation, all i can say is make sure you genuinely care about her needs before you approach the conversation, provide a safe ground for such conversation to happen without anyone feeling its a blaming session.

I think a happy relationship will fulfill the needs of both partners, so if your wish for more communication is creating concern, it is very reasonable to wanting to have it resolved.

wrote :
But what I don't want is to simply be her weekly entertainment for a few hours on a weekend evening
Less judgement and assumption could do you a lot of good, I've had similar thoughts in the past, but like DancingFool said this can be self-sabotage... I learnt it the hard way
- July 22nd, 2009, 01:21 pm
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Wootz Wootz is offline
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Sounds like it is just a communication issue, then? You don't want to be a problem, don't need 24/7 displays of love and affection, you just need yo *know* deep down, where it counts, that she is in this for the long haul. That right?

You could try talking to her about it as tactfully as possible... But keep in mind what Last12C has said, it is the best advice and clearest info you'll get:

If she is making time for you literally *every week* while she is in med school, this is the equivalent of a normal girl's constant devotion of three months squeezed into a few short hours. She is sacrificing for you big time, and I don't think she is quite letting on how much this is costing her. Med school is harsh stuff. If you let it, your whole life will be sucked in and you will have no time for anything outside of work. You will survive on catnaps stretching bare fractions of an hour, you will tax your brain and your body far beyond the limits you thought you had, and you will literally not notice weeks flying by except as numerical deadlines to be passed on the road to that hallowed degree. If this woman was not in it for the long haul, she would not think of you even once a week- she might remember you vaguely eight years later.

I realize this seems impossibly hard sometimes, but that's part of the package. Intellectually you can grasp *eight years* with only four hundred and forty-eight discreet instances when you can spend time with her (if you are lucky). But really understanding that is not going to be easy. Your life will go on without her 95% of the time, even though she is in your thoughts. She will likely not spare much time thinking of you at work- but what time she does is *priceless.* You are a very lucky man to have such attention, though it may not seem so, given the brief time she is available...

I hope things work out between you two. Good luck!
- July 22nd, 2009, 01:28 pm
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Bearwolf102 Bearwolf102 is offline
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Thank you Happyquestion. I need to do more work on me first before I talk to her. I believe it can workout but as it would be a long term commitment I need to be sure that I am not waisting time.

It doesn't help that I have more date requests from eharmony and POF than I have ever had comeing now that I care about someone. I don't want to muc this up by seeing someone else. But if she is dosn't want to commit than I want to start seeing someone else..

So complicated...
- July 22nd, 2009, 01:28 pm
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Bearwolf102 Bearwolf102 is offline
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Thank you Wootz,

As I have said if I knew she was in it to win it I would be honored to be that man who but waits for her return...

These are things I do need to talk to her about. Find a balance for that works for us. Mostly that works for her...

It's kind of a big one to know that you matter. I don't need time for that...I just need to know...
- July 22nd, 2009, 01:34 pm
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