The Wrong Reasons To Be In A Relationship

Don't let fears about loneliness and other insecurities lead you into a bad relationship. Find out how to recognize and avoid this dead-end situation. Brought to you by Christian Carter

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The Wrong Reasons To Be In A Relationship
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You meet an amazing man and INSTANTLY fall for each other. For a while, things are perfect. He's loving, affectionate, and you share things you've never shared with anyone else ever before. You start to believe that he could finally be the one.

But then things start to shift…and he becomes distant and withdrawn. Instead of being present and wanting to talk and share with you, he’s often distracted, irritated and doesn't seem as happy just to see you and be with you.

And then it happens. Out of the blue he says something like, "I really care about you, but I’m just not ready for a serious relationship right now." Of course you're devastated and completely taken off-guard. Were you the only one feeling how great you were together?

Was there something wrong with him? Was he afraid of commitment? Or maybe…just maybe you got in the relationship and started moving towards a committed relationship with this man for the wrong reasons.

Most women never set out to find and fall into a relationship for the wrong reasons, but it’s an unfortunately common process. Here are 3 of the wrong reasons to get involved in a relationship:

Wrong Reason #1: Avoiding That Lonely Feeling

Another weekend rolls around...but you have no one special to share it with. You get into your bed at night alone and wonder, “I’m a great woman. Why don’t I have a real partner to share my life with?” You might not see it…but on an unconscious level, the struggles of a BAD RELATIONSHIP may actually be more comfortable and familiar to you than the idea of being alone.

When you fear being alone, you’re much more likely to make bad choices and end up getting involved with and staying in bad relationships because it distracts you from feeling lonely.

Wrong Reason #2: Caving In To Social Pressure

Are a bunch of your friends married, engaged, or falling deeper into lasting, committed relationships with great guys? If so, odds are it's having a strong impact on the way you're thinking and feeling. Seeing the love and luck that other women have in relationships can make you feel an intense level of pressure to find the right lasting relationship now. Ironically, your intense desire to have a great relationship will push men away. The man in your life may feel like you're more interested in the idea of a good relationship than you are in him and how he actually feels when he's with you.

Wrong Reason #3: Filling The Void

If you believe that a loving relationship will ease the emptiness inside you, the harsh reality is that no relationship is ever going to be able to “fill you up.” And if you try, it’s almost certain that the man in your life will start to sense this and be turned off and not want your relationship to work or last. Once the easy emotional connection and satisfaction of “new love” wears off... you'll find that you're not "filled up" after all and no matter what he does or says, ultimately it won't be good enough... or feel good enough for you.

This "void" is the very thing that makes you so vulnerable to the wrong relationships in the first place – it will lead you to get involved not because a man or a relationship is right for you... but because you are driven to fill the void.

What To Do About All Of This...

If you feel like you end up repeating the same kind of painful situations in your relationships, and you want to get off the wheel…what should you do now? Before you do anything, you likely need to stop letting yourself feel out of control - only you own and control your life. Once you take the control back, you can start taking steps to bring about the change you want.

A great first step is to seek out amazing resources and information that will help you quickly grow and learn.

If you’re ready to stop getting in relationships for all the wrong reasons, take the time to help yourself let the woman inside shine – the woman who a man will quickly fall for. If you’re ready for a change, I can help.

Sign up for my very best free tips on what turns men on and off to a relationship at my website, CatchHimAndKeepHim.com.

I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in love and love.

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

This article was written by a site sponsor. eHarmony does not necessarily share or endorse the views expressed in the article, but eHarmony does welcome different perspectives on relationships from sponsors and users alike. Please share your comments below and on our message boards.

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11 comments on “The Wrong Reasons To Be In A Relationship”


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bigfincat

Posts: 3258

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interactual wrote:
Hmmm.... great topic for me to make my first post. Well guys, I've been lurking here for awhile and would like to ask for your advice. Generally the discussions here are great and I like the personalities at eHA. I have a girlfriend, whom I also live with. We've been together over 4 years. We met at work, she initiated a relationship with me, and when my former roomate got married I moved in with her. That was around 3 years ago. We have a lot in common. We're both smart people on the awkward side of normal. We were also both "fat kids" growing up, not obese, but chunky. We're better now but we both have insecurities that resulted from that, which we also bonded over. Our parents both were divorced when we were young. We're both creative types. Our personalities are also both o the deep/dark side. This is both good and bad. We're also very good with computers and both work in the IT industry. She makes quite a bit more money than I do, which doesn't bother me. Her career is more technical. She is good looking and super cool in guy terms: she's not demanding or naggy, she is mellow during PMS, has a great body, and is a FANTASTIC lover. She's not a suspicious or paranoid type. She owns her own home and we live a comfortable life together. She loves me totally, so much so that I wonder if anyone could or would ever love me as deeply. Her family is great and they love me too. My friends and family all think she is the bee's knees. By all outward accounts she is a terrific catch. But there are some serious negatives, which nobody else knows, that cause me to question if the postivies really outweigh, and that's why I'm writing this. I need a serious reality check. Here are the problems: 1. We used to fight a lot, but have been going to couples therapy and made a TON of progress. This is great, but we are so used to fighting that just looking at each other kind of makes us both sad/tired. At least, that's how I feel, but I know her so well I'm pretty much positive that's how she feels too. However, this might just be that we're both kinda glum people generally. But then, deep down inside I'm really not glum. But I easily become glum when I see depression on her face. 2. She is bipolar. She's stable on her meds, but, she's a melancholy person in general (I can be too) and when her moods swing she can sometimes be happy, but other times a mean streak comes out. She can just be kinda bitchy and unpleasant. She doesn't advertise being bipolar to everyone, so basically most people don't know this about her. And I haven't told anyone except my best friend. Even my mom doesn't know. I am scared of this because I now understand that the bipolar condition gets worse with age, and if she was ever unable to recieve her meds, things would get out of control quickly. Recently she lost her job and I am currently providing her medication under my medical benefits. 3. She does not want children. Not only that, she can't have them safely because 1) her meds cause birth defects and 2) bipolar is largely a hereditary condition (from her dad's side of the family). She brought me in to her psychiatrist and he gave me the whole rundown. Also her mother already has a birth defect (hare lip, fixed by surgery at a young age). I might want to have a family someday so I don't want to waste her time -- but, I'm not certain that's what I want. If I did, though, I don't want to have children with her. 4. This one is perhaps the hardest for me. She started our relationship, and in my life for some reason the women I stick with are the ones who pick ME up instead of the other way around. This has made me feel like I'm not in control of my life, and I've discussed this with my own therapist, who assures me that I am conventionally attractive and need to put my life plan first and foremost. Basically my therapist tells me to end this relationship and move on with my life. I have a secret, desperate need to be normal (which I'm not) and it causes me to do unwise things. Like potentially end a relationship with the only woman I've ever loved. I'm in my early/mid 30s at this point and feel like time is flying by. If I'm going to have children and live a normal life, I need to get on with it. Yet, even as I write this, I doubt whether I really have what it takes to be a parent, or attract a woman I'd want to be with forever. Ultimately I think I'd prefer to be with someone who has a happier personality. But I don't want to ruin or lose all that we've built up over these years. Meanwhile she's wanting me to propose marriage, as is her family. So I'm starting to feel pressured and, yes, scared. I don't know if I can handle another 50 years of the status quo, and yet, I don't know if I ever really could be "truly happy" with anyone. Meanwhile I've made a lot of friends since we've been together who know her also. They think we're a great match but they don't know anything about our problems. I fear losing them if the relationship ends, because most of them knew her before they knew me. Last night I had a dream that she was being a b1tch and I finally had enough and we broke up. I woke up feeling irritated at her even though she didn't do anything and even in the late afternoon I'm still kinda feeling "meh" on the relationship. I know she has those same moments herself, but each time we've almost broken up, and stared into the abyss, we felt it staring back into us and it's always made us realize that we want to be together. I feel so conflicted and all this trying to meta-analyze myself is basically chasing my existential tail...
The frequent fighting would bother me. If she does not want children, then that could be a problem if you decide that you do. I will disagree with you about the fact that she cannot safely have children.That just isn't true from the info that you have given.You can have great, healthy children with her. I would recommend that you make a decision pretty soon (over the next year or so)because if you want out then you need time to recover from the break-up before evenreally getting back out there. Yourissues are not that unusual & you will havesimilar issues in most relationships. Could you find a better match?? Maybe. I think that it depends on how good things are when they are good... & how often things get bad.
- April 23, 2009 10:50 AM
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bensmom316

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interactual wrote:
Hmmm.... great topic for me to make my first post. Well guys, I've been lurking here for awhile and would like to ask for your advice. Generally the discussions here are great and I like the personalities at eHA. I have a girlfriend, whom I also live with. We've been together over 4 years. We met at work, she initiated a relationship with me, and when my former roomate got married I moved in with her. That was around 3 years ago. We have a lot in common. We're both smart people on the awkward side of normal. We were also both "fat kids" growing up, not obese, but chunky. We're better now but we both have insecurities that resulted from that, which we also bonded over. Our parents both were divorced when we were young. We're both creative types. Our personalities are also both o the deep/dark side. This is both good and bad. We're also very good with computers and both work in the IT industry. She makes quite a bit more money than I do, which doesn't bother me. Her career is more technical. She is good looking and super cool in guy terms: she's not demanding or naggy, she is mellow during PMS, has a great body, and is a FANTASTIC lover. She's not a suspicious or paranoid type. She owns her own home and we live a comfortable life together. She loves me totally, so much so that I wonder if anyone could or would ever love me as deeply. Her family is great and they love me too. My friends and family all think she is the bee's knees. By all outward accounts she is a terrific catch. But there are some serious negatives, which nobody else knows, that cause me to question if the postivies really outweigh, and that's why I'm writing this. I need a serious reality check. Here are the problems: 1. We used to fight a lot, but have been going to couples therapy and made a TON of progress. This is great, but we are so used to fighting that just looking at each other kind of makes us both sad/tired. At least, that's how I feel, but I know her so well I'm pretty much positive that's how she feels too. However, this might just be that we're both kinda glum people generally. But then, deep down inside I'm really not glum. But I easily become glum when I see depression on her face. 2. She is bipolar. She's stable on her meds, but, she's a melancholy person in general (I can be too) and when her moods swing she can sometimes be happy, but other times a mean streak comes out. She can just be kinda bitchy and unpleasant. She doesn't advertise being bipolar to everyone, so basically most people don't know this about her. And I haven't told anyone except my best friend. Even my mom doesn't know. I am scared of this because I now understand that the bipolar condition gets worse with age, and if she was ever unable to recieve her meds, things would get out of control quickly. Recently she lost her job and I am currently providing her medication under my medical benefits. 3. She does not want children. Not only that, she can't have them safely because 1) her meds cause birth defects and 2) bipolar is largely a hereditary condition (from her dad's side of the family). She brought me in to her psychiatrist and he gave me the whole rundown. Also her mother already has a birth defect (hare lip, fixed by surgery at a young age). I might want to have a family someday so I don't want to waste her time -- but, I'm not certain that's what I want. If I did, though, I don't want to have children with her. 4. This one is perhaps the hardest for me. She started our relationship, and in my life for some reason the women I stick with are the ones who pick ME up instead of the other way around. This has made me feel like I'm not in control of my life, and I've discussed this with my own therapist, who assures me that I am conventionally attractive and need to put my life plan first and foremost. Basically my therapist tells me to end this relationship and move on with my life. I have a secret, desperate need to be normal (which I'm not) and it causes me to do unwise things. Like potentially end a relationship with the only woman I've ever loved. I'm in my early/mid 30s at this point and feel like time is flying by. If I'm going to have children and live a normal life, I need to get on with it. Yet, even as I write this, I doubt whether I really have what it takes to be a parent, or attract a woman I'd want to be with forever. Ultimately I think I'd prefer to be with someone who has a happier personality. But I don't want to ruin or lose all that we've built up over these years. Meanwhile she's wanting me to propose marriage, as is her family. So I'm starting to feel pressured and, yes, scared. I don't know if I can handle another 50 years of the status quo, and yet, I don't know if I ever really could be "truly happy" with anyone. Meanwhile I've made a lot of friends since we've been together who know her also. They think we're a great match but they don't know anything about our problems. I fear losing them if the relationship ends, because most of them knew her before they knew me. Last night I had a dream that she was being a b1tch and I finally had enough and we broke up. I woke up feeling irritated at her even though she didn't do anything and even in the late afternoon I'm still kinda feeling "meh" on the relationship. I know she has those same moments herself, but each time we've almost broken up, and stared into the abyss, we felt it staring back into us and it's always made us realize that we want to be together. I feel so conflicted and all this trying to meta-analyze myself is basically chasing my existential tail...
I don't know you from Adam, and it would take me much longer than this box of limited space to tell you what I think based on your commnets, but... I was in a very similar situation a year ago. I could not see through the smoke to get to the other side. Now that I am there, I can't believe how long I allowed myself to stay there. if you are having dreams about ending things...life is too short, end things. From what you wrote, I feel that you stay because you are comfortable and it is easier than leaving. Trust me, leaving is hard, but for me, it was the right thing to do. You need and deserve to be happy. Do not settle. Do not give into peer pressure or the cultural script. Good luck.
- April 23, 2009 10:09 AM
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cheekyoziechick

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Before getting into any relationship, make sure you are happy with your life and yourself. Don't go out with a man who has baggage from a past relationship. You both need to be totally over your ex's. I always felt that I needed a man to feel complete but after becoming a mother and finding myself in a relationship that is going no where I am taking time out. My kids need a strong secure mother. My time now is totally theirs and until they are independant, I am happy to stay single to be there for them!
- February 05, 2009 05:41 PM
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