Open Mouth, Insert Foot: The Dos and Don'ts of Fighting Fair

I have to admit that I don't fight fair. [img]library/editor/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-embarassed.gif[/img] I justifed my verbal abuse. In the momentI'm usually angry/hurt because he's always, and that's not a generalization, selfish, extremely stubborn, emotionally abusive, and acts as if he doesn't care about my feelings unless I'm crying. Only then does he actually act like he feels bad.My reasons for justifiying my verbal abuse were because he cheated on me a couple times a couple years ago, which absolutely devastated me, and when he got caught he didn't even try to make it up tome. That's why I haven't forgiven him for it.He didn't act remorseful or sorry. He saidhe was sorry, but his actions didn't show it. He's also borrowed thousands of dollars from me and never even tried to pay me back. He's excluded me from his family and friends. He spends his money on drinking and going out, and seldom spends money on me. He doesn't spend much time with me either. He's given me an STD. He also knows I'm extremely insecure because he doesn't show me that he loves me. Show me, as in spending time with me, hugging me, kissing me, giving me a card or birthday present on my birthday, telling me he loves, etc. Those were my justifications. I knowall those thingsthat he's done/does to me are really, really horrible, and I should have just left him, but instead I stay and just abuse him right back. It's absolutely disgusting, dysfunctional, abusive, and just sick, butwe can't get ourselves to leave each other. We've even talked about it andI've asked him why he stays, and he sayshe thinks maybe he likes the abuse. Really,I know hejustifies my abuse because hefeels guilty and knows he's emotionally abusive tome, so he thinks he deserves it.Again, I know it'ssick. He and I are both sick. He's gotten madat me for staying. He's also blamed me for his abuse because I stay. He hates himself for loving me, for not being strongand secure enough to leaveme, and because he feels like heneeds me, which is why he stays. He also thinks that because he is the way he is that no one else will ever want to be with him, but me. I also hate myself for loving him and not beingstrong and healthy enough to leave him. I know that despite his tough guy act that he's actually a very sensitive person and extremely insecure. He was verbally and emotionally abused by his fatherand I think by his motheralso. Shamefully, I have said some of the meanest things to him about how he looks and about the fact that he's going bald,and I hate myself for that too. He is going bald and he has gained a little bit of weight, but I am still very much attracted to him. I've made him feel even worse about himself and belittled him because I know that that truly hurts him. I don't even mean the things I say, which is even worse. I say them because I want to hurt him as much as he's hurt me over the past few years. When I'm not so angry I feelterrible for the things that I've said because I know itWAS like a knife in thejugular. I feel terrible because Ilove him and shouldn't ever want to hurt him like that, and because that's NOT who I am. So sadly enough, I can't ever take any of those things back, and he doesn't trust me because of it. We don't trust each other anymore. Believe it or not,neither one of us has any substance abuseproblems. Most would say that that's not love and we don't really love each other, and on some days I would agree, butIdo love that man.I'ddojust about anything for him. That's why I resent him so much. I feel like I'vetried everything to get this man to love me, not consciously, but nothing worked. I tried truly loving him with all my heart, tried to buy his love, tried to do anything to please him, tried crying, tried leaving him,tried making him jealous, andI've tried hurting him. Again, nothing worked. And now I just thinkwe're so used tothe abuseand that we also resent each other so much thatthat has overshadowed any love that we have/had for each other.It's that bad taste in our mouths that won't go away that keeps us from forgiving and remembering that we once lovedeach other very much. We've both decidedtoreally try tostop hurtingeach other and that we're really going to work on things. We've done that a hundred times already, and it has yet to work. We should split up. I know statistically, we are not ever going to work things out. Statistically, we will not ever stop abusing each other. But we both want to be together. Although we both change our minds every other day. I want him to love me one way and he wants to love me his way.I resent him for not loving me enough to give in and compromise. He resents me forwanting/trying to force him to love me my way. Sorry for the book. It was my therapy for the day. Ashamed and Broken, Shannon

Edith said, "Everytime Archie and I fight, we always resolve the issue. Somebody always says they're sorry and Archie always says, "that's OK." " Somebody told me another one the other day: she said about being in marriage counseling..."Oh, we're always in marriage counseling. Mark is always so full of it and I know I'm always right." I humor them both...

I think that if you have a good system for resolving disputes you have a much better chance for a good relationship. Let's face it, disputes are going to happen in any relationship. How they are handled will define the direction that relationship will take. If you are with someone who doesn't want resolution, just conflict then this sounds to me like a red flag to a healthy partnership. Personally I am up to here with pointless conflict so anything I can do to learn more about resolution, the better! Good article, thanks. SingleGuy