My Friends and Family Hate My Significant Other
You're happy with your mate, but your friends and family are less than thrilled. Should you ignore them or ditch your significant other?
by eHarmony Staff
What happens when you feel that you have found the right significant other and your friends and family hate him or her? Or, if hate is too strong, they thoroughly dislike him or her. Don’t pull your hair out! And, don’t let their negative opinions make you act hastily in the face of this dilemma.
The Critics may be Entirely Wrong
The naysayers certainly don’t know your boyfriend or girlfriend as well as you do. Or, they could have an agenda in mind. Perhaps they may not know you and your desires as well as they think.
1) Talk to them in an open and plain manner. Ask them what they think your boyfriend’s weaknesses are. What do they dislike or fear? In most cases, their objection to the person doesn’t deal with major issues. Generally, it is just a feeling they have about him. When you sincerely ask them to answer your questions, they will usually not be able to clearly express why they hate the person. Upon serious reflection, they might change their minds.
2) Ask them what they think would happen to you if your relationship led to marriage. This way, they may reveal an agenda that you can disregard.
3) Ask them what they think you want in a relationship. When you force them to delve into this aspect of your supposed needs, you will find out exactly what they think of you. Surprise! They may discover that you two are a good fit after all.
But…Maybe the Critics Aren’t Wrong
As the saying goes, love is blind. If they aren’t wrong, you will want to know those aspects of his character that cause such a strong reaction in your family and friends. You may be completely unaware of his or her shortcomings.
1) The days of arranged marriages and dowries have faded into history. But, twenty-first century parents still want to be involved with their kids’ life choices. They respect your independence, but they want to protect you…sometimes from yourself and your rose-colored glasses.
2) They want to know: Is your significant other good to you? Does he or she have an abusive streak? Does he or she have little respect for you and your family and friends? If the answer is yes, it would be smart to listen to the critics.
3) If, on the other hand, your parents are more concerned about your significant other’s station in life, or his future plans, you may want to let the criticism roll off your back. What counts is that you love the person and accept how he lives his life. The may not admit it, but your parents may have been in a similar position with your grandparents when they were young.
Or, your friends Might just be Jealous
Friends, especially singles, might just wish they were in your shoes, believe it or not. Perhaps they are having a hard time accepting your good fortune in contrast to their bad luck in boyfriends. So, they might try to find fault with your relationship in order to make themselves feel better.
1) Let them know that their opinions are important and you appreciate their concern.
2) Tell them your relationship might not be perfect, but you are genuinely happy.
3) Wish them well in their quest to find the ideal mate Above all, be thoughtful and come to terms with your own decision.
16 comments on
“My Friends and Family Hate My Significant Other”
My best friend got pregnant by a guy she was dating for 2 months, they planned the baby. He has done nothing but hurt her since. hes never around and his friends are more important than her and her son. Now the little boy is about to be born and he is acting like the perfect guy. I wish she would just see that he is an abusive person and is not going to stay mr nice guy. He only got her pregnant so he would have a hold on her.
- January 11, 2009 12:42 PM
I have this problem BIG TIME and don't know what to do about it.My mother was very happy with my man until we had our first real fight. Granted it was a BIG fight but during the whole painful mess I made sure that everyone knew that while I was extremely upset by his behavior, I still loved him.And when we finally worked things through, Mom wasthe only one who wouldn't accept it. My teenage daughter, on the other hand, was thrilled. I hadn't realized how much she had hoped to make a new family until this time. Mom was seeing a man that she not only approved of, she actually likedand thought she could talk to.
Okay, one mistake. Mom wasn't the ONLY person who was upset. His ex-wife was ...furious is the best word I can think of using. It would take a long time to explain but to condense - his ex-wife consistantly uses their two daughters (now 18 and 27) to drive her around, pick her up from bars, loan her money, etc. The eldest daughter finally found a way to avoid her mother by giving up her car and, as she told a friend of mine, decided "it's time for "E" (the younger sis) to 'deal with this, I don't want to any more'".
It's hard to condense what happened after but... after a family gatheringhis ex went on the warpath and her only target was the 18-year-old. This kid and I had previously had LONG talks about "life" and "things". She and my 13-year-old used to sit down and complain about us old folk, talk clothes, boys, friends, whatnot. Within two weeks, this started to change. Within four weeks, his 18-year-old told him she didn't want us around any more. One of her phrases was something to the effect of "what use are you to me, you have your new family now". And we did finally find out that her mother (his ex) was pushing these feelings/thoughts.
We had years' worth of plans and were looking forward to them. These plans included every member of our families including his eldest daughters' BF. We even thought through ourcurrent housing market and how to work through things in X years to get where we wanted to be. Then "E" didn't take her college scholarship, decided she'd stay at dad's house and work at McDonald's, and BTW the GF can could over but I don't want her daughter spending the night any more.
I thought it was a phase that couldn't last - heck, after over a year of being able to talk and getting along great, "E" would soon mellow and we'd all be fine again, just need to talk things over. I was wrong.I know this is a seriously condensed version of things but it's fairly accurate - and now I'm stuck. We've been trying to deal with her attitude for almost 8 months now and it's destroying our relationship. When he tried to push things she went ballistic, slamming doors and refusing to speak to him, so now he is afraid to push the relationship. Our friends have told him to "treat her like a teenager living in your house" but he is concerned that if he pushes too far he'll lose her love. If I could describe his divorce and his ex ... you get the idea.
What can **** I **** do? I'm not a spring chicken, I lived thru a very nasty marriage so I know what is truly hurtful...he isn't trying to hurt me but we are honestly perfect together and got through what we both thought was our relationship "test"....then this. We've stepped back to give her some space but I think it's a bad idea. What to do?!
- December 08, 2008 12:33 AM
UH ohh.....sorry.....My kids never like the men I date....they still miss their father and it's hard for them to see me with anyone else.
I have great compassion for my kids and their grief (I loved him too) but they have their mates and can't fully understand where I'm at now - five years widowed and too young to spend the rest of my life alone.
I reckon we just have to be the driver and make choices based on our own needs and desires and hope for the best.
I wish the same for you.....Good luck.
- October 10, 2008 03:45 PM
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