Help! I'm Never in the Mood!

If you're having problems in the bedroom, you're not alone. It's thought that up to 40% of American women and 25% of American men suffer from a low sex drive. We have six steps that will help to reinvigorate your libido and rock your love life.

by eHarmony Staff

Low libido got you down? Having trouble rocking your partner's world? Or are you plain and simple just not in the mood these days? If you're having trouble getting excited in the bedroom, don't despair. It's not the end of the world.

Step #1: Consult a Physician

If you've consistently not been in the mood for some time now, you'll first want to make sure there isn't a medical reason behind your lack of sex drive. Make an appointment with your primary care physician, explain what's happening (or, more appropriately, what's NOT happening), and find out if there are any medical tests you need to take to determine if you require additional medical attention. Chances are, you don't. But it's important to rule out any physical concerns before addressing other reasons for your low libido. Taking excellent care of your health is essential to your "happily ever after future," so don't put off seeing a doctor.

Step #2: Re-open the Lines of Communication

Once you've ruled out any medical concerns, the next step in your journey toward reigniting the spark between you and your partner is to re-open the lines of communication. Whether you know it or not, you may have become emotionally distant from one another. In order to reclaim the flame, you've got to become emotionally intimate again. Start by setting aside time every day (even if it's just 20 minutes) to open up, talk, and share with your partner. Just as you make time to eat, sleep, and work, you must clear space in your calendar for this sacred sharing. Find a place away from other distractions (television, food, kids, the phone, internet, etc.), sit near each other, maintain eye contact, and just start talking. Don't touch – just talk. Start by asking the other person how his or her day was. And be sure to pay attention to the response. You, too, will need to share, in hopes of creating an emotionally safe and level playing field.

Step #3: Take Emotional Speaking Risks

As you get comfortable sharing with one another, you'll want to start taking emotional speaking risks. Start by telling your partner what it is that you love, admire, respect, and are grateful for about him or her. For example, "I appreciate how patient and loving you are toward my family" or "I am grateful for this sacred time we're now taking together every day." Then invite your partner to respond. Take turns giving one another thoughtful, loving, positive affirmations (and take as much time as you need!). This simple give-and-take exercise will do wonders for reawakening your emotional intimacy.

Step #4: Reconnect Physically (but not Sexually)

Once your emotional intimacy has been restored, it's time to reconnect physically. It's important to understand that physical reconnection has nothing to do with sex. Instead, this is a time for you to bond with your partner through loving touches and caresses. Hold hands, take turns giving one another relaxing massages, or stroke your partner's arm, back, or neck while engaged in conversation. Whenever possible, maintain eye contact as you give and receive these physical cues. This will deepen your bond as a couple while increasing physical excitement.

Step #5: Reintroduce Romance

Contrary to conventional relationship wisdom, romance is not dead. It may just need a jumpstart. Now's the time to reintroduce romance into your relationship. Keep in mind that you don't have to break the bank to create romance.

In fact, the following are some easy and free ways to reintroduce romance into your relationship:

1. Write your partner a love letter and slip it under her pillow, in his car, or in her briefcase

2. Pick flowers from your garden and surprise your partner with a fresh bouquet

3. Instead of eating dinner in front of the TV, light some candles, put on soft music, and enjoy a candlelit dinner at the dining room table for a change

4. Rather than become a couch potato after a long, hard day at work, invite your partner to go on a moonlit stroll through the neighborhood, enjoying one another's company

5. At bedtime, instead of turning off the lights, rolling over, and snoozing, dim the lights, snuggle up to your sweetie, and engage in some lighthearted pillow talk

Step #6: Rediscover the art of Kissing

After spending years and years together, couples often forget the importance of simply kissing. Now's the time to rediscover this lost art. Instead of a looking at kissing as one of many dutiful steps along the way toward sex, what if kissing was the only thing on the menu? How would that change your feelings about kissing your partner? Chances are, you'd start looking forward to kissing again. Without the pressure of it leading to something more, you might feel free to share loving kisses throughout the day and night. Imagine how much more connected you'd feel to your partner in the process! Now's the time to reintroduce the art of kissing into your daily life.

By incorporating these six simple steps into your current relationship, you'll be surprised at how much closer you and your partner will feel. If along the way things get hot and heavy, congratulations! If you still need more time, take it. There is no one path back to a rockin' sex life. Every couple has their own unique set of needs and should take things at their own speed. Above all else, keep the lines of communication open, practice patience and kindness toward one another, and remember to enjoy the journey.