Defusing the Passive-Aggressive

We all have some of these features, but some people have these means of dealing with life so ingrained it becomes destructive to them and to others.

Defusing a few behaviors is one thing, but when someone's whole way of living is like this, there is no defusing. There's only therapy or leaving.

Sorry, but it's true.

My experience has been that the person used the (phony) hesitancy to express their feelings to manipulate and play an insidious game of chain-jerking - something she loved to do for her own twisted entertainment. It was a trait she picked up early in her totally dysfunctional family household.

Beyond that I have often seen women with experience on dating sites use the feigned "I'm fragile" or "I'm intimidated" to try to get men to coddle them to the nth.

I'm a nice guy and when I hear "I'm scared" - I'm GONE and not looking back.

I have just left my marriage of one year due to the fact that he is clearly passive aggressive and doesn't want to recognise it. I came to this relationship 3yrs ago a confident, independant single mum with a great sense of humour and a loving, compasionate nature. He had a daughter that he shared custody of with his ex wife. One of the biggest problems is that his ex didn't want to let go of her 'husband' and strived for the position of 'wife' and 'mother of his child' constantly. Her efforts were usually rewarded and I was usually the one that had to take a back seat to her needs. My ex couldn't put boundaries in place with her which left me always feeling like she had first place and that I could stand in line. He was always supportive with me when my frustrations and concerns were raised and together we would come up with action plans to solve these issues but they were never followed through with by him. He would make up excuses as to why he had let her get her way or blame her for 'putting him on the spot' and this always left me feeling even more frustrated and angry! As soon as I put pressure on him after he didn't follow through he would move into attack mode and start telling me that I was jealous and insecure. This progressed over time into telling me that all our friends saw what I was really like and how his whole family hated me and didn't want him to marry me. He would sometimes tell me that a girl at his work was better than me and he would use my son against me and tell me that my son had confided in him about how he couldn't wait to live with his dad when he was old enough. I have always had a very close relationship with my son and know that this was not true but the fact that he was using him as ammunition was disgusting. He would tell me that I had aged and that I was ugly and that he was not attracted to me lately.... I could go on and on! Even his hairdresser hated me! He would use any of my vulnerabilities against me in arguements and invalidate my feelings because his ex told him the opposite. He would draw on letters that an ex girlfriend had written him and tell me all the nice things she said. I found a letter that she had written him to tell him that she was breaking up with him and she did say some flattering stuff amongst some other stuff that wasn't so good... funny how he left those parts out of our fights! I was always really hurt in these moments because I didn't understand where all this was coming from. He was a very placid man in everyday life and always seemed to support my needs... with his words. He used to taunt me with how great his ex was and how supportive she was etc. He could never tell me the things that he loved about me except if it related to sex and physical appearance. I guess he didn't want me to feel too good about myself incase I realised I was too good for him! He always touched me and grabbed at me at inappropriate times and when I brought this up as a problem he told me that most girls would be flattered. I felt that I dodn't even have control over my own body. He told me if I had put on weight... and then would say that it looked good on me if I reacted. I began to see that he procrastinated with decisions that needed to be made and then would usually blame me when I got fed up with him 'talking' and not 'doing'. I was 'not supportive', I was 'impatient', I was trying to 'control him'! He could never take ownership of his stuff ups or responsibility for his lack of assertiveness and the effect that it was having on us. When it all hit the fan over on going issues with his daughter I knew I couldn't take another day. I had become depressed. I had started drinking daily. I even slapped him across the face during arguements a couple of times! Who had I become? I had lost my sense of humour and the spark inside had gone out. I began to compare myself to his ex and feel inadequate compared to her! I knew that I had to get out. He always made me feel like I was the one with issues and aggression and that I needed psychological help. In the end I think I did need help and when I sought it I found out a lot about passie aggressive Personality and I have to say the so far all the things that I've read could be written about him! The hardest thing for me to deal with is the fact that besides his personality disorder he is a great guy with some very rare and admirable qualities. He has a huge heart and I love him dearly. I guess in the end though I needed to make a decision about whether I could live with the other side of him. I think that due to the fact that my personality was changing and I didn't like who I was becoming I definitely made the right choice... I just have to keep remembering that